Disclaimer: I owe it to my readers to be a reflective writer who speaks honesty & so this whole post is earnestly coming from my heart.
For months I’ve been fighting hidden battles. Battles even I sometimes fail to comprehend. I’ve been feeling this very strong urge to disappear, to erase my existence & everything that accompanies it, that is my social media platforms & even the very things I like doing (this blog & my YT channel).
I’ve been wanting to just go into full M.I.A. mode - I mean it even got to the point where I’ve wanted to erase my own existence from earth ...
Is it normal? To constantly feel overburdened with life - that the only way you see out is by taking yourself out of the game?
As a person who suffers from mental health issues - particularly depression. I’ve been having it rough these past months & even though my exterior looks fine, I feel myself deteriorating rapidly internally.
Happiness I’ve come to attest is a social construct. A facade that’s momentary but yet still fulfilling. I’ve been looking for happiness. Searching for it. Gravely.
Hence probably why I’ve been in these constant states of somber moods because I’ve been looking for happiness in the wrong places & to be honest now I see & realize that PEACE matters more to me than acquiring happiness.
One can not acquire true happiness if they haven’t mastered the art of being at peace.
You see peace gives you leeway for more. You gain the ability to accept situations. Maneuver through situations. Adapt through situations & live through life knowing you’re just at peace with what’s happened - is happening or the unknown.
PEACE is what I want. It’s what I crave & what I’ll be looking for from today on wards until my life comes to an end.
I’m tired of feeling pain,
Of overthinking,
Of feeling inadequate,
& insecure about myself & what I hope to become.
I’m making a vow to myself each day as I wake up that - I’ll find peace & especially acceptance with whatever that happens & not let that affect my transition (be it good or bad) because remember happiness is momentary.
I’ve had to question myself why I started blogging. Why I started writing & the answer was and still is as clear as day and night - to find healing.
Along the way I began to chase what wasn’t intended & the pressures got to me.
Pressures I’m not supposed to take in for they aren’t for me.
They aren’t battles I was supposed to fight but going through them has made me go back to my roots. Retracing my intentions is exactly why I’m back here & fully accepting my flaws as an inconsistent writer that I need to be more disciplined & committed to what keeps me sane.
This is my healing platform. This is my healing journey. 💖
Let's start afresh?
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